Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
