When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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