My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
