walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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