Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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