wanna go halves on a baby?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
