I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
