You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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