i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
