her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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