I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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