I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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