im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
