Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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