There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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