Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
