Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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