If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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