Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
