I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
