Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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