You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
