the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
