I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
