is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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