apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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