I think I just saw someone hide a body.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
