Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
