UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
