Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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