I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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