omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
