She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
