it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
