I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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