I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
