He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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