Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
