did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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