there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
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I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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