Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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