nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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