She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My ass is underappreciated
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
