Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
