these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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