I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I want to have your abortion
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need moral support for this bender
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize