"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
