Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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