My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
