so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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