before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
