i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
