Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
