I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
