Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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